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Doggy Dictionary

Alli’s Adventure Log. January 15, 2022

I would be pretty rich today if SHE had been the one to write this down for me when I was obviously thinking it. I think she could have sold it or put it in the Alli Bouvier book she keeps promising to write! But, the reality is someone else posted it in one of her groups. She read it to me and I said, “Oh my goodness!! My thoughts exactly!!” What do you think?

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. (Sometimes it results in her getting pulled to the ground. I don’t know why she cannot keep up.)

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. (I haven’t tried this yet, but I do wipe my dirty beard along the front of the leather couch. She said that will stop when the new couch gets here. We’ll see about that!)

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human. (Works every time!)

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards. (It’s also used to read p-mail.)

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. (She said she’d kill me if I did that.)

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. (She says she’d really kill me if I did that…especially when she’s on a bike!)

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down. (Or, just not coming at all, which is what I’m good at.)

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels. (Doesn’t seem to bother me, but she says it would always send her first Bouvier, Zbeau, to the middle of the bed.)

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home. (Oh boy. Another one where she said she’d kill me. What’s up with that? I don’t get to have any fun!)

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture. (And, be sure to try to run away before they catch you. As soon as you see them put on shorts and flip flops…run!!!)

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. (I don’t even know what black-tie events are!)BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. (I love this one. Hehe.)

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above. (I often use this on neighbors we encounter on our walks. She says it’s rude, but I don’t see any problem with it.)

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on. (Honestly, I don’t get these short humans at all. I try to stay away from them at all costs.)

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return. (She loves me. He loves me. Everyone loves me. You do too…just admit it. And then send treats.)

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